Mothers Day is a wonderful day to celebrate the love and sacrifice that so many mothers offer. It is a day that I should only be thinking about appreciating my own mother (and I do). However, when you have been struggling to become a mother yourself, it can be gut wrenching.
Last year was the hardest. I suffered a miscarriage in March, and by May I was still grieving. By April, I had trouble going out and seeing all of the babies going to visit the Easter Bunny or seeing all of the social media posts about the little ones doing their Easter egg hunts. I had to leave the grocery store one day because I saw a baby with her mom about to visit the in store Easter Bunny. Smiling, happy, giggling – in a pink dress. Tears began to stream down my face and I left my entire cart of groceries behind. Then in May there was Mothers Day. My husband and I attended church and naturally that service was inspired by Mothers Day. They had gifts for all of the mothers as they left the service that day. As my husband and I went to leave, a woman approached me with a gift bag and asked, “are you a mother?”. That felt like a knife in the heart. “No”, I replied. “I’m not”.
For all of you hurting today; I hear you. Perhaps your infertility journey has just begun and you enter with a level of optimism that is balanced with fear – I hear you. Maybe you are in the throes of all of the treatments; countless ultrasounds, daily blood draws, painful injections that make it impossible to walk, mood swings, hot flashes, nausea – you feel like a pile of crap. Going through ALL of that would not matter in the least if it ended with a baby – but then it doesn’t. I hear you. For those who have become pregnant and then suffered a loss; I hear you. For those who have come to the point of acceptance and decided that maybe adoption is the answer – but you have already spent thousands of dollars on trying to get pregnant with no success. Adoption fees are around 10,000 or more. Now what?? I hear you. Mothers Day will be hard.
I threw it all in the air earlier this year and finally surrendered. I wish I could tell you where it will end. Instead of asking God to make me a mother, I instead began to pray for Him to fill peace in my heart for whatever will be. I begged him to help me find acceptance in whatever happens because I couldn’t stand to feel empty anymore. This is my prayer for you too. My suggestion is that you latch onto something – anything – bigger than yourself. This is the time to make sure that your spiritual well-being is strong. God, Buddha, the universe, a support group – I don’t care. Find something quickly to grab onto and help you grow spiritually. I was not in the best spiritual condition when I started all of this (although I thought I was) and I went into a pretty dark place for a while. If you are there; if you are in that dark place – I hear you. You are not alone.
Follow the Bread Crumbs, as I like to say. Ask God to show you the next right thing. By January of this year, I was empty and exhausted. Two IUI’s, two IVF cycles, and countless other tests and treatments had failed the year before. I was due to start another IVF cycle that month, but I just couldn’t. The thought of it made me feel sick and anxious. So I cancelled it and made the decision to take care of myself until I felt ready again. That was the best decision I could have made. If you are exhausted and feel like you need a break – I hear you. Listen to your gut. Please take care of yourself.
Mothers Day will be hard, but I promise you are not alone. Please take care of yourself. The stress, the medications, and the planning – it will suck your soul if you don’t. I hear you – and I am always hear if you need an ear to listen.